Constant Rollercoaster Ride

Alright I am about to be a little pathetic. I don't like it when I do this but it's happening so now I'm blogging about it.

I had an all day event today at the Marriott @ the Airport. My company brought in a very inspirational speaker and I wanted to hear what she had to say. The hotel fed us and took very good care of us. It was a very inspirational day and I was feeling great!

That is until around 3pm. I did something stupid and from then on my mind was dwelling in the past and centering on...you've guessed it...my ex. Oh no WTF!!! Now I had two more hours of this event to sit through and I was not feeling it much anymore...but I made myself absorb the rest in. Once 5pm hit I hot tailed it out that hotel, to my vehicle and on the road I went.

The whole way back I was in a constant battle to get these troubling thoughts out of my head. What troubling thoughts? Well...I was thinking of how I was NEVER this man's girlfriend in the first place. That isn't really true. I was in the beginning but then the 'love/lust/passion' died out on his end...I'm not sure when and I am only assuming. Sad thing was it didn't for me. None of this was ever discussed between us and there was a lot of confusion on my end...hence the assumptions. Other thoughts? I was thinking "So I got used". I think that because of things that I have done during the relationship. I helped this man with his home improvement projects. I helped paint his house. Don't get me wrong I was happy to do it....I was vested in the relationship and wanted to do what I can for him. In my emotional state at the time during my drive home I felt like I was being used. This of course is not the case...at least I hope it is not. I could have been used to help this man with his house and such. I don't know. Oh well. Whatever.

There were a lot of other thoughts that went through my head. I'm not going to get into any of them at the moment. I didn't want these thoughts to go through my head but they did. I did a pretty good job of handling them...I did not shed one tear. Yay me! Like I said...I just had a weak, pathetic moment. Those will come around every now and then. I'll just have to handle them as they come.

To be truthful, even though I still love this man, I am so happy that he has found someone and has found love with that someone. I wish them both happiness and many blessings. Yes...I am happy that he is happy. There's nothing that I can do as far as me and him...we didn't work out. I hope those two do...and that is sincere. :0)

Well my cool points just dropped tons due to this little sob of a story/rant. My apologies but I had to put it here. Just be thankful that I didn't start this blog when we broke up two months ago! Lol. Yeah that would have been VERY INTERESTING!

Alright I'm out! Have a good night everyone! ;0)

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Ah...The Weekend

I haven't posted in a few days. My mind has been in a constant state of activity during that time. You'd think I'd post what's on my mind. For some reason at the time I did not think that wise. I needed some time to think and translate the crap that was going on in there. I'm further than I was but still have some straightening out to do.

I still have not finished my vision board. I'd like to take care of that today. I want to look at all of the things that I want everyday so that I can be motivated to work towards it. That is the thing...WORK towards it! You want things in life you've got to work for it. Hard too. Hard work pays off and it will for me sometime in the future.

What I've been thinking about the last few days was the direction I'd like to go. I just cut everything off...the computer, TV, phone...and laid down and thought. Just thought. I thought about my leaving the company that I was with for over 10 years. I thought about what I left the company for. I thought about what I decided to pursue after I left my company. What I decided to do when I left my company was something that looked appealing to me. With work it could be pretty lucrative. I went into this field for two reasons...because I wanted to have something of my own ( I answer to no one but me) and because I wanted my Man to live worry free with his son full time.

Don't get me wrong...this career path still looks very appealing to me. Due to a few dramatic changes in my life I do not have the mindset to do it. It's a sales job. I was never good at sales for one and two my motivation and/or reason for getting into it no longer applies. I am no longer with this man and therefore do not need to worry about him or his son again. Sure the 'having my own' reason still applies but that could be for anything out there that I believe I will enjoy. It's quite a shame really...I forked over a lot of money to get into this career path. Such a waste. Maybe all of this drama happened so I can realized that this path was not for me in the first place. I'm not sure.

I guess what really surprised me was the fact that I wanted to take care of my significant other and his son more than me. Well I would have been taken care of with my earnings but my thought process was for those two. Yes I loved and adored them that much...still do. Trust me I'm working on getting out of that bundle of string. Anyway that was a problem I guess. Well maybe not. When you're in a relationship and committed of course you will think of ways to provide for you family. You will sacrifice a few things for the good of the family, right? I want to move out of Kansas but didn't because of his son. Sacrifice. I had no issues with that at all. Once it was over between us I had to reevaluate things in my life...which is what I've been doing for a while now.

I've decided to pick up a part time gig. I'm looking in a field that I've enjoyed since childhood. I should have went that route in the beginning but was afraid of a number of things at that time. Photography has always been a love for me and I enjoy snapping pictures. If I can find something within this field I will jump on it. I need to see if working in this field supplies the same feelings.

Whew this was a lot. If you have read this far THANK YOU! I told you I'm messed up in the head...I have a lot of stuff jammed up in there. Lol.

Enjoy your Saturday!

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Well.....Hello!!!

Ok. I am actually doing this...blogging my most inner being amongst a bunch of strangers. Well isn't that the 'to do' thing nowadays? Lol. I am doing this in an effort to turn things around for me. Let me explain...

I have been on this earth for almost 32 years. My years have been very fulfilling don't get me wrong. In my eye there is always room for improvement. Being stagnant for so long is not healthy in my eye. It will drive you insane as it has for me.

~Definition of Insanity~
Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Yeah I've been doing that for SOME time now...doing the same mundane things and expecting extraordinary results. Yeah THAT didn't happen. I've always known that it wasn't going to either...but I kept doing these tasks. It stops here.

What I hope to accomplish with this blog is a MAJOR change in my mindset and my life as a whole. You can call this...therapy for me. I'm going to admit something right now. I am very messed up in the head...no kidding...for real...certifiable. The things that I post here may be disturbing, evil, pathetic, and downright ignorant sometimes. There are a lot of things that I have held onto throughout my years. I hope to release a lot of that through this blog and other avenues. We'll see what happens with that. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

Thanks for stopping by. More posts with a little more history to follow.
:)

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